Rest in the Shadow

sweet 16

2010-07-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

Humidity, like a magnet, pulling the beads of sweat from the pores of my skin. The fireflies are out in force, dancing to the rhythm of their own summer evening house party. It’s the longest evening of the year, and I’m sitting on a hard bench placed on the edge of a grassy knoll that covers the front lawn of the University, only a stone’s throw from my cottage. Summer session students stroll lazily across campus and down University Avenue, no doubt to escape the pressure of the classroom and the heat of the day. They are not as frantic and frenzied as they might be during any other semester in the year, but in a state of learning nevertheless. I ponder the history and grandeur of this institution that Thomas Jefferson birthed centuries ago. I wonder if I missed out on the experience of attending a traditional college on some historic campus, becoming part of a student body that thought they had the whole world figured out before age twenty. The elementary freedom and wisdom of youth, incurred at this pause in life: the undefined space between adolescence and, perhaps, the hum drum of a working world. But I did things differently. I exchanged my graduation cap and gown for fatigues and a helmet, responding to the call of Uncle Sam and the mystery of the Cold War’s climax. I grew up quickly. I soldiered by day and studied by night. And life rolled on by. And not too long after I had decocooned from boy to man, something else rolled on by: A baby carriage containing this beautiful bouncing little girl named Mariah. A questioningly curious Mariah: yearning for life and on a constant quest for meaning, justice, acceptance and laughter. And she changed my life forever. In an instant my identity had transformed me from who I thought I was. And that instant defines who I am today.

What a joy it was to be your father, Mariah. What an amazing God-given miracle. And now, 16 years later, I sit on this hillside, outside the Rotunda, sipping an evening espresso. I wonder what decisions you will make in the next 16 years, nay, the next year ahead of you. What university or walk of life will woo you? What calling or vocation will expose you to both the right and wrong of this consuming world outside your present bubble? What kind of woman will you become? The choice is yours, to some extent. I hope and pray you make healthy choices. Good choices. And that you learn from your mistakes…and mine. I also pray that you enjoy every amazing something that becomes your year of Sweet Sixteen: driving, working, advancing to the Junior class, and taking on so many more adult life responsibilities. I pray always that you will one day live a faith that is clear and real to you, that you will exude a heart that is golden, and possess a peace that no man can take away and that surpasses all understanding.

As 7/11 loom near, I wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARIAH!
Loving you still, Loving you always,

BOY MEETS GIRL

2010-05-19T07:20:00.004-05:00

Boy meets girl.

Girl wants to run like the wind.

But she stays.

So they both stay.

And they learn to trust.

And love. Again.

And that’s a good thing.

I think.

And I hope the girl will truly stay,

Because she means the world to me.

She is fiery.

And she’s smiley.

Infusing a radiant yellow back into my deepest of mellows.

She makes me laugh. And blush.

And feel purpose in my veins again.

She challenges me to be translucently real.

And to live for something better than myself.

She complements me, filling in for my inadequacies.

She knows just how to smooth my rough edges.

She is quite beautiful.

Stunning, in fact.

Well I don’t mean to put her on some pedestal,

I just thank God for her.

And I want to know her even more.

And I want to lift her up and hold her hand.

And be her friend in fair weather and every ferocious storm.

Mesmerized in unity,

We’ll traverse the world from one end to the other.

…Or maybe we’ll just get lost on some far-off deserted island…

Only to find in quilted paradise,

Under pitter patter of rainy roofs

that two are, indeed, better than one…

Boy meets girl.

That’s a good thing.

I think.

Batman in Winter

2010-03-03T08:24:00.000-06:00

Activities that encompassed my latest 3.5 day off-shift cycle include the following: Sleeping 12 hours, then remerging from vampire bat-like coma into the land of living daylight hours; driving 324 miles roundtrip to see a sparkly someone and achieving nourishment from the 2-for-one fresh Rockfish dinner special at iL Giardino down by the Beach; nearly accomplishing the so called “beast list”, exchanging a bad Epson inkcartridge at Cartridgepros without a receipt no questions asked, watching The Hurtlocker, and being thoroughly disappointed, finessing a recipe of Alaskan salmon with couscous and broccoli for the one I love (she made the deliciously cheesy sauce) and being thoroughly “Appointed”; terrain walk and reconnaissance along the beach at First Landing (yes, the place where They first landed), sitting in a Starbucks with my dear friend, Grande Cappuccino, and reading The Perfect Storm, while I watched the gale blow in over the bay {I may have once been a member of the Gloucester Fishermen (yes, I lettered on the Rifle Team), but there’s a reason I didn’t remain in that town and become a sailor or a fisherman. Me and the high seas don’t mix- which reminds of me of when my brother was taking sailing lessons in Hong Kong and I refused to leave the bay with him, so I jumped overboard and swam back to the beach). I do wish, however comma, that I could acquire the long line or netting skills to become a proper fisher of men}...back to our list…test driving many plush topped minimum 782+ coiled queen-sized mattresses to replace the lifeless futon upon which I’ve been resting my weary head and aching spine every night for the past 3 years {thanks, Matthew, for the replacement futon (yes the one that never left your side during your entire college career), but its finally got to go!); watching three episodes of The Office: Season 5; And on this unseasonably lion winter March day in Virginia: Yoghurt, blueberries, goat-cheese & mushroom omelet, really well-brewed (by me) coffee, snow, sleet, DRUDGEREPORT, The Alyssa Reeves Super Awesome Blog , laughing at the photo of Miles the cat enjoying his first yoghurt; laundry, lists, excel spreadsheets, calendars, and planning my return to the next cycle of Vampire Bat-life and sleepless nights.

Hearing the Seagulls

2010-03-03T08:19:00.001-06:00

There is a seagull outside in the parking lot yelling in my ear. Have you ever had your ears irrigated? Last week Melissa irrigated my right ear canal which had become clogged and quite painful. I had been trying to clean it out on my own using a solution of hydrogen peroxide and water, but, I forgot to warm the liquid. The extreme shock of sudden introduction of a cold substance to the inside of your skull messes with your equilibrium in a major way. I finally bought a baby ear dropper and told Melissa I needed her to come over and play nurse (no innuendo intended). She was quite reluctant at first, but when she started to see progress, in perhaps a grotesque sort of way, she became eager to continue to irrigate, to the point of drowning. The peroxide solution was running out of my ear and into my nose and mouth. I sort of wish we had recorded this for Youtube posterity. It would have been rated up there along with the Toothpaste For Dinner guy:

Toothpaste For Dinner guy...

Pressed

2010-03-03T08:12:00.001-06:00

If life is like coffee, I, by no means, am a to-go-mug of filtered auto drip, set the night before and timed for a precise wake up call. There is no arousing aroma here. Neither do I find myself to be a carefully prepared sweetened double espresso macchiato is there anything else I can get for you, Sir, asks the Barrista from the drive-thru window java man. I am more of a French Pressed, tout le chemin bébé!, cobble-stoned sidewalk café on a Sunday afternoon individual. I sit in boiling water for four minutes with all my freshly ground junk circulating around me in a whirlpool of oily disaster. Then, I’m finally pressed down, releasing all those flavonoids and essential oils, and finally poured, leaving all the residual grinds behind.

Future Reminiscing

2009-10-29T15:32:00.002-05:00

FUTURE REMINISCING-

Such sweet memories we invoke

Counting countless walks

So oft’ walked alone

Now enter splashing tango in drizzling midnight

And small talk sentiment for hours on the phone…

Iris to iris

Cheek to cheek, dancing rhythm

Begins to exfoliate intricately woven designs

And extinguishes the addiction

Of once-fashionable tattoos of caustic shame

And on flaky white chill winter night

Dull images flash across my flickering screen

And I’m reminiscing about things that have not yet made the scene

Like wet clothing hung on a line to dry in the scented summer sun

Toes dipped delicately in ice cold Atlantic waves

Even on sweltering east coast early August days

Wandering hearts now drawn together

Undeservedly recompensed in unified debut

Glory reveals only glimpses of this mystery

If not rescued for each other

Then forever for the hope of you

-RbR OCT 09

Spinnverderber

2009-06-23T16:03:00.001-05:00

<*))))><<

“Spinnverderber”

(German for Party-pooper)

I know this much is TRUE: For the most part, TV will suck the life out of you.

In a moment of insomnia driven weakness, recently, I caught the last half of the 80’s brat pack film 16 Candles starring Molly Ringwold. Films like these bring back hauntingly embarrassing memories of my pubescence, by the way. The only decent scene in the film takes place when Miss Pretty-in-Pink’s parents forget her birthday and then her Dad can’t sleep and he comes downstairs and apologizes and they have this real family values father-daughter moment. The rest of the movie is CRAP! Did we really live this way back then? I suppose so. After all, there was a time when I frequently applied layers of aquanet in an attempt to adequately feather my long hair.

If my life was on film I guarantee it would not be suitable for all ages.

I sometimes feel like the stubborn old man rowing furiously for days after his great fish in Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea:

"It is not TOO bad," he said. "And PAIN does not matter to a man."

The future Sundance favorite might be titled something like this:

"...I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal…"

If I had any license in its production I would hope to ensure era-driven songs from bands like Spandau Ballet and Air Supply would remain absent from the soundtrack.

Firefly Tango

2009-06-21T17:27:00.007-05:00

Sitting on my porch yesterday evening…at dusk:

Ninja fireflies
Stealthy tango on humid nights
Dazzling, midsummer, bright
Materialize from shimmering shadowless stratosphere
From nothing Now dazzling festive atmosphere

Watching and wondering
Do they still fly by light of day?
With just as much verve to illuminate…
Do they rest and pray or continuously careen Fervently through this void
Before their light dies and finally fades

Whereas the question also begs:
Am I too a ninja firefly?
So generous with my own spark of light?
Do I tirelessly generate flint and steel…
Giving all for all in the darkest of nights?

-RBR June 2009

notHing Heroic Here

2009-06-14T16:42:00.005-05:00

If only I knew the answer. If only I could hear the whispered response.

Do you ever hide yourself away so that in solitude you can simply cry?

I would wipe away your tears if only I could hear the rhythmic pattern of your warm drops on cold floor.

Do you ever burst out laughing?

I would giggle and roll on the floor in awkward and relentless animation if that would even splinter your expression into a smile.

Do you ever gaze hopelessly at the stars in the dark of night?

I would stare, from here, into that same timeless void and hold on for you your hope in wonder and awe.

Do you ever feel anger and rage?

My blood would boil and heart would break to change every wrong to right.

Do you ever brace yourself against the howling and biting wind and wonder when it will end?

I would rise up and block that invisible antagonist and form myself into a hearth a comfort and warmth.

If only I knew. If only my senses could perceive.

If only I could catch a slight glimpse.

I would rise up like some kind of superhero in the nick of time.

I would bag the villains and stop the hurtling train in its tracks.

For you I would take a stand.

Essay for Fuller Application

2009-05-09T10:49:00.004-05:00

Fuller Theological Seminary

Instructions: Communicate clearly in written English.

A. Reflect on your past Christian experience, including the most significant spiritual event/influence in your life, the role of Christ in your religious experience, the effect your faith has on your worldview, your involvement in Christian service, your perceived gifts/calling for ministry, and your reason(s) for attending your church. (minimum 250 words; maximum 500 words)

ESSAY 1 with Melissa and Matt’s edits FINAL:

I first met God in a Hong Kong Sunday school when I was seven. My brothers and I were the only English speaking kids in the class, and the teacher attempted to explain creation using nude pictures of Adam and Eve. In junior high, my youth pastor explained that I was separated from God and in need of salvation. I readily asked Jesus into my heart. Since that moment, I have been a seeker of “good” with a passionate servant-heart for others.

My first exposure to the destructive power of pornography occurred in my neighbor’s basement during that same summer. The spark of curiosity, the power of porneuo warned against in 1 Corinthians 6, had an insidious and eventually destructive impact on my introverted adolescence.

I joined the Army with its hazing and coming of age, yet still sought after “good". I married a young woman with two daughters and we raised two more. I was promoted, grew in experience, and assumed roles of husband and father. We led Bible studies and youth groups and, as I watched the unfolding drama of society’s ills and pernicious lies, my passion for reaching new generations for Christ exploded.

But I was living two lives. The façade - a man recognized for his work ethic, leadership, and love of family. The truth - a struggling man who kept pain, sin, compromise, and addiction wrapped in an unbreakable cocoon. Eventually, lack of trust and monstrous selfishness formed a destructive cycle that spun out of control.

My world imploded and my family left. I endured dark and searching solitude, and realized my personal incapacity to fix anything. This illuminated the mystery of the Gospel. The essence of the resurrection became a freeing and healing fission that multiplied hope within my hopelessness. Grace became real. And, as Bonhoeffer writes, it cost something. It cost God his only Son. At first that grieved me. But when the cloud of condemnation and lies dissipated, I saw that God loved me so much that he would do anything for me, even if it meant following me into the blackest depths. God’s plans embraced and encompassed my own, and I became new.

Suddenly, serving others became a delight rather than an obligation. Community became my new identity. The Lord established the most intimate friendships I have ever had. We became a band of brothers who encouraged and challenged each other through the junk of broken life. Serving with Navigators and Cadence International we adventured, laughed, prayed, cried, and became alive in our vulnerability. I became part of The WELL, a community of believers that exists to continue the redemptive work of the Son. God wants to heal all people, and he wants to do it through us! Along with the writer of Psalm 91, I found rest in the shadow of something much larger than myself. I want to be within the center of the Father’s will and become the hands and feet of Jesus. That is why I exist.

B. Reflect on how attending Fuller Theological Seminary would complement your present Christian experience and/or help you to achieve your future professional and vocational goals. (minimum 250 words; maximum 500 words)

And Moses said to God, “who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” And God said, “I will be with you.”

My military career has culminated and will come to a close shortly as I retire this uniform after 20 years of service. In the same way as God will use my hurt, pain, and transformation to help others, I believe the experiences I had in the military were not in vain. God will use my training, travel, relationships, leadership, and vast amount of lessons learned for his glory in the kingdom. I have dealt with crisis after crisis in the past two decades and God has brought me through each of them.. Only through His grace has he given me a resiliency and blessing to overcome and endure. Like Daniel, though I don’t purport to have an ounce of the strength of character of this hero, God has brought me through the crucible and released the jaws of the lion. I’ve learned to rest in the shadow. God has given me a burning desire to work for social justice, help transform lives, engage in urban development and eradicate poverty. It is in my blood to respond to the many crises of my fellow humans, and especially unreached people groups who need Jesus and their own cluster of flourishing culturally relevant churches.

I’m at a crossroads in life. I have a corporate resume that could lead me to a well paying career in Washington’s belt-way or in a federal building with no windows making plans for war or other governmental operations. But I know this is not the direction I am to go.

It is no accident that in January of this year I felt led to enroll in the Perspectives course through Manhattan Christian College and simultaneously lead a small group study of the Truth Project at my home.

I believe Fuller is the stepping stone I am to use to cross into life’s next chapter. It will be a time for growth and transition, and more importantly a time to put my faith into action and be grounded with greater knowledge to be an effective Kingdom worker. The MA in Cross Cultural Studies ties into my BA in International Relations and my calling to serve in overseas or domestic urban ministry. I think I will come away from the Fuller experience with a more technical understanding of things like micro-enterprise development and sustainable agriculture. I believe Perspectives adjusted my lens to see God’s focus on justice and human rights, human and social transformation, globalization, public policy, and humanity’s gifts in the arts and culture. Studying at Fuller will equip me with tools to execute programs that support God’s purpose. Dedicated and unhindered time with faculty and fellow students in Pasadena will be an opportunity for me to be in an encouraging place where we can motivate each other to act justly, love mercy and walk more humbly before our God.

Seismographs

2009-05-01T13:36:00.009-05:00

High Fidelity!

…I conclude

Rising past the riches of my raisin wrinkled solitude

Like graphing swells of emotional seismology:

The passive-aggressive drama

And off-broadway antics

I so colorfully exude

Inner façade spiking the charts

Exposing me to the real me

Who

Counting darkened stars

Fails to roll with the fade from black to blue to gray

In ever burning Glorious electric day

Its time to go public with this:

So I apply for a loan

To stimulate my economy

And cinch tightly the belt of my contentedness

Which to the highest bidder

Auctions off my blinded tender searching soul

All Rise!

The bailiff cries

As duelers duke it out

Frenetic Forensics lay down the story

To disprove the truth of the absolute

And I just march with the clowns on parade

In all my naked shame and new found glory

Oh, Stalking me!

these pernicious lies;

But I, with gortex for skin

And with a resounding drive to win

Abide and nimbly climb;

Kilimanjaro, or something higher

In microthin air that exposes my flair

To at long last summit the spire

And deftly expose the truth:

The liar is a liar

I think I'm suffering from post-partum depression or I ran over a puppy on Saturday

2009-04-13T20:18:00.005-05:00

So, since the first week of March I have visited the local Emergency Room three times and spent a multitude of hours with various doctors. It all started when I forgot how to breathe.

I was sitting in a lecture, mesmerized by the soothing drone of a speaker and his well-worded powerpoint slides, and I noticed my heart rate rapidly increasing and my sudden inability to catch my breath. It sort of freaked me out because I have been breathing most of my life. I guessed I was having a heart attack, which seemed quite improbably given my superhuman stamina and kryptonite resistant immune system. After my first hot date at the ER, the docs told me I was probably stressed out and prescribed me some chill pills. But since my heart rate continued to travel in the left lane of the Autobahn and my breathing became more labored throughout the week, my superhero friends Matthew and Layne ended up driving me back to the ER again. On, this six-hour fun-filled visit, at which this dude actually shaved my chest in order to achieve a better seal for the EKG sensor, I felt like I was watching a prime-time network medical drama rerun. As I lay on the gurney trying to reacquire the oxygen I was craving, one man lost his left testicle in a bike accident, a woman attempted to OD on prescription narcotics because she wanted to be with her husband who died five months ago, and a 7-year old girl fell and suffered a tremendous head injury and was vomiting all over the hallway outside my room. Meanwhile, as I endured a tinted CT scan to check my circulatory system, Layne and Matt furiously played scrabble in the waiting room. By the way, when the technician injected warm iodine into my veins so the CT scan could follow my circulation, I immediately experienced the sensation of peeing in my pants. I had to check myself.
So, the battery of tests showed a strong heart, good circ, and healthy lungs. Later at home I was still freaking out and clueless because I felt like I had a 50 lbs weight on my chest and when I tried to walk, run, exercise, eat, or have a conversation I became virtually breathless. Then I read Matthew Chapter 8 and was reminded that even the winds and waves obeyed Jesus.

The next day a doctor called and informed me that a blood test revealed that my “TSH” levels were through the roof and that indicated I was hypo-thyroid. This, in a way, was a relief, because I did not enjoy the high-life induced by the prescription chill pills.
- Seal the cracks before it completely collapses! (from Psalm 60) “You have shaken our land and split it open. But you have raised a banner for those who honor you- a rallying point in the face of attack.”
Another day: I’m having trouble breathing again today. My primary care physician wants me to take thyroid meds for life. I was a wee bit skeptical and nervous about that and asked for a two week reprieve. Of course that means I need to deal with these symptoms. Other people suggested heart stress tests to rule out angina or other heart related issues.
Finally, one doctor suggested my inhibited breathing and chest pressure might be due to an alien inhabitating my esophagus, as depicted in Ridley Scott’s ALIENS. Fortunately the X-rays revealed no such thing, so I probably have been dealing with excessive Acid Reflux or a condition called GERD, which actually can be quite serious, but is much easier to deal with than the potential cocooned infant alien’s head suddenly bursting through your chest wall. So I’ve been on the purple pill for several weeks and things have been much more stable. Not symptom free, but stable.
Today I drove to the state capital to see a nurse practitioner who specializes in endocrinology. I am now forming the belief that it may be wiser to seek medical advice from an NP specialist rather than an overpaid MD. She quickly scanned my records asked me some questions, tapped my knee with a hammer, and then prodded my semi-swollen thyroid, which by the way is a butterfly-shaped reservoir glob of cells, glands, and nerves that covers the inside of the front of your neck around the (males) Adam’s apple sector. The Thyroid is like a dispatcher that sends hormones throughout your system to regulate just about EVERYTHING in your body’s system. It’s kind of important to human functioning I think. Anyway, her conclusion: Because my blood tests show my rapidly fluctuating between hyper- and hypo-thyroid, that I might have a condition referred to as POSTPARTUM THYROIDITIS. WTH, OVER? Does not compute. I am not, have never been, and never will be PREGNANT. Ok, but Thyroiditis, is a thyroid dysfunction triggered as an autoimmune response to all sort of things like hormonal change or stress. Have I been under stress over these past three years? Whatever. But, the good news is, if indeed I am dancing with Thyroiditis, then this may be a temporary, 4-12 month ordeal as opposed to a life-long condition. Well, that would be an amazing answer to prayer, praise God!
Next step. On Wednesday I’m heading back to Topeka to see a Gastro-dude in order to prepare to have a camera shoved down my throat. This should be interesting since I am already walking around with the feeling like ET is chilling in my food processor.
Honestly though, all of this seemed to start when I began my Fasting FACEBOOK for LENT experience. I’m back on FACEBOOK as of today, so let’s see what happens. 
Oh, about the puppy. ON Saturday, I ran over a puppy. Besides a small sapling that I uprooted with my Dad’s truck as a teen, this puppy was the first object I’ve ever hit with my car. It was quite a traumatic experience for me and my beautiful passenger. The hardest part for me was not the death of this cute dog, but, after parking and walking back to the scene of the accident, and observing the owner, an elderly woman, scoop up her lifeless black terrier from the roadway, and walk, dignified, canine in hand, blood and entrails covering her clothing, back to her house. If ever I had the power to heal, I wish that I had been able to use it then.
Is there a correlation in all of this? If so, please tell me. In my weakness I find strength.

Sometimes we cut hair

2009-03-17T19:45:00.003-05:00

SoMeTimEs wE cUt HaIr BeCaUsE iT grOws. You KNow?

Duplicitous.

I really enjoyed laughing and living at ATM this afternoon. There should be more of that in life. But I knew I had to leave because life can’t stop. And I have to keep my feet in the ruts of this course or I’ll be swept into the barren desert.

Did you know David Wilkerson says our cities are about to explode with more destruction and raging fires than we have ever seen.

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=91097

I don’t know about that. Maybe we are already there.

William Carey, the father of modern missions to the lost, lived by the motto of “Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God”.

Not sure where the future is leading me. I am baffled as to the reason my heart rate or anxiety or thyroid or whatever mysterious thing this is that has engulfed my waking and non-waking moments in recent weeks. It is engrossing and throwing life off balance.

I think I have expected great things from God, but have not really put much effort into attempting to do great things for God. I let my failures get the best of me. At least I have in the past. I have an even greater now to live for God’s greater glory, even while stricken with this manifestation of freaking out. I’m encouraged by the words and heart of my friend, Rich, who desires to be more faithful in everything he does. So may we be more faithful with our lives, knowing that our bodies are not our own; may we give more, may we be faithful to friends and lovers, bosses and teachers, the silent ones and the destitute. May we live life to the fullest. May we rise up to the challenges that lay ahead. May we take joy in the difficult.

And may we delight in the less complex events, like having a party to give a shaggy friend a haircut.

Riding the Rails in November (or from Munich to Mannheim One Morning)

2009-03-01T18:20:00.004-06:00

Riding the Rails in November
(or From Munich to Mannheim one Morning)

Click Clack
The Trees and Buildings
Cities and Skies
Click Clack
Autumn’s brown drab
Bleeding furiously by

And in the peripheral
Hurtling past my window seat
I catch the vivid reruns
Flashing past my
Captivated eyes

These faceless faces
And bleeding lives
Equally bound in
Haunting beauty and
Pernicious lies
Staccato
It Crashes
Where did it all flow?

Click Clack
And in the peripheral
Hurtling past my window seat
I catch the vivid reruns
Flashing past my
Captivated eyes
Click Clack

RBR2007/2009

To This One It Matters

2009-02-27T19:44:00.002-06:00

To this one it matters

So this is the world we live in.
Cigarettes and peer pressure:
Being like me, Being like you.
Conforming to the hollow
Just passing on through.

But enough of the excuses
As my eyes look toward You.
And my soul moves forward.
To this one it matters…

So show me this, destination next:
To find a house where everyone’s arrived.
And may they reflect on You
when they think of me.
Instead of dwelling on my greed and pride.

And I say to myself:
Take action.
NOW!
or leave this life.
Because everything is still a mess
And they’ll never find me in the dark.
I lie.
And healing only comes from being holy.
But I’m willing and confused
Doing what it takes
Bleeding the brakes.

Wanting to be reconciled for every occasion.
Is this desperate persuasion?
Merely a crime of passion
Against the obfuscation of a beating heart?
Expose me, bare my naked soul,
Unshelter the eclipse
Until I can bear no more.
To this one it matters.

-RBR FEB 09

Carbon Fingerprint Checks

2009-01-27T23:06:00.003-06:00

Today, at work, I intended to lessen my carbon footprint while hopefully also improving oxygen production and saving the amount of sun protecting shade in our world. I’m not an environmentalist, but I wanted to do my part, you know? I needed to print a 52-page document that required proof-reading. Doing my part, I decided to print it double-sided. Since my office lacked a duplex printer, I had to print the odd pages first, then the even pages. But, when I flipped the first 26 sheets and put them back in the paper drawer, Mister Hewlett Packard decided to print a co-worker’s print job that had been waiting in the queue. This meant one side of my document was the procedural guide I was trying to proofread, and the other was someone else’s equally important spreadsheet. I ended up having to reprint everything, but out of my impatience and frustration I hit print without selecting “odd pages only”. So this time I printed all 52 sheets single-sided. And as I witnessed this travesty unfold; I became vehemently angry with thoughts of rage and destruction. And this raised my heart rate a few beats and temperature several degrees at least. So, not only did I use 78 sheets of precious white Northwestern 8.5 x 11 inch paper to print a 52-page document, which probably called for the felling of 13 trees, thus reducing the shade for a certain square segment of forest, subsequently resulting in a higher average temperature and environmental disaster for the squirrels living in said forest, but I also offset my normally cool composition and relatively unmoody carbon footprint. As I pondered the aftermath of my fateful decision, I also noticed I have two heat generating, power sucking LCD flat-panel monitors on my desk that allow me to do more work on my digital desktop without having to print a lot of documents. I am the cause of Global Warming.

The Ungraceful Dance

2009-01-17T10:14:00.003-06:00

An Ungraceful Dance
(Plagiarized thoughts compiled and arranged so ungracefully by Robert Rossow)
1/16/09

And the dance is not as graceful as we might want…

My pulses bound in exultation. And in my heart once more unfold the senses of awe and inspiration: The life, the tears, and love untold.

She drinks quietly from her image. She drinks what a lover would drink feeling dazed, searching it feeling mistrust

I said, “What’s your name?” She turned as she answered and I kissed her clumsily and missed her mouth. She said, “We needn’t, you know. We’re grown up people...”

Her smile bloomed and she fell into his arms and he hugged her tight and to hell with every (one) in the world she thought

Ahead of us everything is shimmering. The first night we try to find our bearing,

Then he looked keenly at her and he felt the fragrance and dampness of the flowers and immediately looked around him fearfully

“I gave him my heart, and he took it and pinched it to death, and flung
it back to me. People feel with their hearts…and since he has destroyed
Mine, I have not power to feel for him…”

Too late in the wrong rain, they come together whom their love parted:
The windows pour into their heart and the doors burn in their brain.

“I have laughed, in bitterness and agony of heart, at the contrast between what I seem and what I am! And Satan laughs at it!”

And if anyone knows the pain of love unreturned, it must be God

I panicked. I shouldn’t have left her. What had I been thinking?

“Yes”, I said. “I was raving. You had made me angry. But I had thought that all loves alike were eager to clear the things they loved of vile charges brought against it

“I am nothing special. Of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've lead a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and, to me, this has always been enough.”

Together they finished changing the bandages. She winced at seeing the cuts and felt tears coming again. They slipped down her cheeks like a cleansing oil and he let her cry softly

..so we learn to dance with the One who made us and it is difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign.

1(Donald Miller, Journey Through Painted Deserts)
2(Aleksandr Pushkin)
3 (Rilke, Woman at a mirror)
4(The Comedians, Graham Greene).
5(The Tortilla Curtain).
6(Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front)
7(Anton Chekhov, Lady with a dog)
8 (Bronte, Wuthering Heights)
9(Dylan Thomas, on a wedding anniversary)
10(The Scarlet Letter)
11(Erwin McManus, Soul Cravings)
12(Joyce Meyer, The Penny)
13…(C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces)
14(the Notebook)
15(Ted Dekker, When Heaven Weep)
16(Donald Miller, Journey Through Painted Deserts)

Effervescent Two-Step Warms the Birth of Winter

2009-01-10T11:31:00.004-06:00

So, we walked in the late autumn rain, searching for some random activity or dodgy place to hang out. We walked along the “river” front, which was really a canal, and then the biting wind drove us back to the plaza where we sought warmth in a giant three story bookseller, where we browsed and talked about books and issues until thawing out fairly well. Not finding the Irish Pub, we saddled and mounted the outback and drove south to find a jazz dive we had read about. It turned out to be a rather seedy looking establishment situated in a strip-mall, so we drove back toward the canal, and parked at the Intercontinental, hoping to find some more refined jazz playing in the piano room. We did find it, after crashing a wedding reception on the top floor. My full bladder had been harassing me for an hour, so using the bride and groom’s rented facilities seemed like the thing to do at the time. The Jazz band cranked their tones quite loudly and the ambiance was not so pleasing, so we backtracked to the car which was nowhere to be found. With a Knightrider-like mind of his own, KITT had apparently hidden himself in a different parking lot. I felt like David Hasselhof, but without the pecs. Finally finding the car, we parked again at the plaza, where we asked some pedestrians to point us to the local Irish Pub. When we arrived at said destination there was a headlining band playing Bon Jovi covers, and I grimaced at the lack of correlation between the sounds of Ireland and the wail of 1980’s New Jersey. Eventually, after wandering for another decade of minutes with aimless purpose, we ended up in the last two available seats of this supposedly trendy little martini bar-looking night spot. The lonely stools sat adjacent to the ever opening drafty door, but provided a spider’s eye view of every vampire that ventured in and out at this later hour. It served to fuel the gaps and commercial breaks of conversation with interesting dialog. A minimum drink ordinance being in place at this establishment, we sampled some Martinis, a pastime about which I was ill-informed because of my sheltered life or simple lack of class. We talked for hours, it seemed, as the autumn suddenly became winter and snow fell outside the picture window in large flaky abundance blending the city streets into a growing blanket of blasé. We were blending less and less in that effervescent and cacophonic rhythm of a crowd. Returned to the electrically heated seats of the Outback we began to drive toward nowhere, having intentionally failed to pick a destination. After losing ourselves in the city we ended up downtown and I showed her some of the historic sights of KC’s jazzossphere. We parked in Power & Light and over a Guinness sat at an extremely back table finally having the opportunity to listen to an Irish duo sing everything from emerald isle classics to Rhianna’s “Under My Umbrella”. It was quite different than I had expected. Especially watching the natives attempt the River Dance, which I guess is not unlike a fancy two-step. Which is something this evening…had become.

We're Golden

2008-11-22T17:54:00.001-06:00

Isn't it nice to know? That the lining...is silver. Isn't it nice to know? That...we're golden.

These questions were asked by Matt Thiessen who writes brilliantly cliche'd songs for Relient K. I was sure hoping to hear this song live in Kansas City tonight (as well as "For the Moments I Feel Faint", but instead I slept in (because I was over-scrabbled last night), handed out groceries at noon, and went for a mad 2-hour bike trek along the river this afternoon (and if you haven't ridden that 4 mile single track loop, chock full of small climbs and descents, your missing out on a hidden Manhattan secret).

Cappuccino on Crack

2008-11-20T18:48:00.003-06:00

I probably spent upwards of $60 every month on Cappuccino and other fine espresso products. What does that mean? That means the farmers in Kenya, Ecuador, and Sumatra who harvest my coveted coffee beans probably don’t even earn $60 per month. (Editor's correction: it's more like $80-90 a month, so be honest with people) Well, that’s not the meaning. That’s more of a correlation. Well, statistically, it is not a correlation at all. But those two facts are tied to each other in an extremely negative way. So much so that the very thought is creeping into my comfort zone. I’d rather not think about it actually; especially the suffering and poverty aspect, because then I will begin to feel convicted about my habit. Which, in essence, leads to another actual correlation. Or set of correlations that just came to mind: The poppy farmer in Southern Afghanistan (Abdul Hakim is one of them) and the young women with track marks in her arms in Kansas City. Her name might be Heather Allen. Or what about the coca farmer in Bolivia and the crack addict (he only uses it socially) in Charlotte. The calcium phosphate miner in north Africa and the Crystal Meth “transformed” individual in Seattle or Wasilla (by the way did you know Red phosphorus, which is often used to cook ingredients like sudaphedrine into meth, does not catch fire in air at temperatures below 240°C, whereas white phosphorus ignites at about 30°C. Now I have no personal experience with Red Phosphorous, but I know all about the White kind. Whiskey Pete or Willy Pete as we like to call it will burn under water. Not something you want to handle after ignition).

In any case, am I an addict? Am I contributing to poverty in Kenya or fighting against it? What am I doing to help the other “addicts” in my own broken world? And will the elasticity of supply and demand in this uncertain economic downtown stretch me enough to cease and desist my intake of this fabulous hot beverage of choice? Those are questions that will need to be answered through some deep soul searching, serious counseling, or perhaps a pleasant conversation over a nice cup of java. Anyone want to join me at The Blue Stem?

Captivating Girls

2008-11-14T22:12:00.003-06:00

The only things that stands in the way of your beauty are your fears and your doubts.

I read that the other day in Staci Eldredge's book: Captivating
You are beautiful. I observe so many young women who battle with this issue.

Your Hollister wardrobe, maybelline lined eyes, Aussie scrunched hair, and well-practiced laugh can do nothing to change the beauty that God has already created inside of you…

..and what is inside of you will shine, and glimmer, and shimmer, and glow from the radiance of God's love...if you accept it...and live in it.

You are beautiful. Yes, You.

Mr. T and the New Living Translation

2008-11-14T22:09:00.002-06:00

In the car the other day I listened to a preacher talk about “taking risks” to obey the Lord.

Dr. Stanley scoffed a little at how we silly humans think it is a “risk” to trust God. Meaning, to live with complete and utter abandon.

Like, how is that a “risk”, if we really believe what we believe is real? And God’s promises are true.

I needed that word, and I wouldn’t have heard it if I wasn’t driving to the meeting that I later found out was cancelled that night.

And that reminded of how powerful God is in communicating. He has like mega-bandwidth to broadcast and disseminate when he wants to. We just need to ensure our receivers are tuned.

And the message was so timely because earlier that day, on a whim, I applied for a job with a particular agency. The job was right up my alley, although based in Charlotte, NC. My resume fit, and it had to do with what I have been doing for many years, and pays a lot more. Here’s the thing…I’ve been talking for months about how I’m ready to hang up my uniform in less than 9 months and live with complete abandon, in some community environment, serving the needy, here or overseas…or whatever.

But as I started contemplating post-military life (I’ve been doing this since I was 17), I started to get “scared”. And feared that my new found passion was becoming a big “risk”.

So, when I got the job announcement in my in-box today, and spent hours submitting the application and resume, I breathed a sigh of relief, and went home to open my bible to Isaiah 22 (New Living Translation), where God asked me: Why are you making all of these feverish plans and not trusting me you fool?! (Yeah, he said it in a Mister T sort of way).

Common Grounds?

2008-11-14T21:58:00.003-06:00

So. At Common Grounds the other night, I overheard a young college student, I’ll call her Brandie, and her overtly liberal and soft-accented friend, I’ll call him Alistair, discussing Brandie’s break-up with her boyfriend, Joe. She was so frustrated with Joe, because he was drunk when they got home after dinner the other day, and she wanted to see the photos on his camera and he reused to show them to her. And then it turned into an argument because she wanted to know what he was hiding. And he denied he was hiding anything, he just didn’t want her to look at the photos. And then went round and round for hours.

So here is what I heard:

“I’ve dated every kind of guy there is, and the problem is I seem to only like the bad ones. Dating is to meet people and get to know them, not to fall in love. Marriage is the thing that is forever. But, half of all marriages end in divorce”. What a sad truth. What a very sad truth.

She also said she is breaking up with Joe. Then, in 2011 when she graduates from college she and Alistair will travel to Tibet and live there for a year and really live. She also discussed with Alistair how her mom visited a Tarot card reader and the reader said that her daughter’s new relationship would be wonderful. Brandie laughed at that. She thinks Tarot card readers are scammers, but, responding to a query from Alistair, does put stock in some Eastern medicine and philosophies. Alistair spent last semester in China where he learned to embrace the balanced eastern philosophy of how life should be lived.

Ground Control to Major Tom.

So I ask myself. Why are guys such jerks? Why is it that a woman feels attracted to “the bad ones”? Why are people searching for truth in Eastern philosophy?

I think its because we are all seeking something better than our current situation. Something out of the norm. Something we cannot see. Something extreme. Or, perhaps something balanced. We aren’t satisfied or content with where we are or who we are. We want other people to change us and we want to change other people. And in many cases this can be good. We shouldn’t settle for the status quo if is unhealthy or ineffective to our purpose.

So where am I going with all of this?

I don't know. Do you?

Jason. A hero. Sacrificed.

2008-10-11T00:01:00.004-05:00

From the Associated Press today:

Friday, October 10, 2008

US military deaths in Afghanistan region at 540

Of those, the military reports 389 were killed by hostile action.

Outside the Afghan region, the Defense Department reports 66 more members of the U.S. military died in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. Of those, three were the result of hostile action. The military lists these other locations as Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, Cuba; Djibouti; Eritrea; Ethiopia; Jordan; Kenya; Kyrgyzstan; Philippines; Seychelles; Sudan; Tajikistan; Turkey; and Yemen.

There were also four CIA officer deaths and one military civilian death.

___

The latest deaths reported by the military:

— No deaths reported.

___

The latest identifications reported by the military:

— Marine Cpl. Jason A. Karella, 20, Anchorage, Alaska; died Thursday while supporting combat operations in Farah province, Afghanistan; assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Twentynine Palms, Calif.

It is just a little overwhelming and surreal to read that OF THOSE, the latest identification was that of my young cousin Jason.

I'm grieving. I thank God for Jason. My heart hurts for his Dad and Mom and brothers. I don't know what else to do.

Pray for his family, please.

MEIN HERTZ BRENNT

2008-08-18T17:59:00.002-05:00

( I had all these cool photos I was going to post with this, but couldn't figure out how to make it work)

Live Journal Discoveries From the Past Week:

I thought I caught the bubonic plague today, but it was just a sunburn and an overwhelming sense of being lost in reality.

I found some copies of the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency at the used bookstore. I might send them to Andrea. I like to read about Africa, and these books, if you haven’t had the opportunity to read them are so amusing and sad and revealing. We Americans should be more in touch what goes on around the world. We are egocentric and that’s usually what gets us in trouble. I also found some Nicholas Sparks books I might send to Mariah, because the Notebook and Walk to Remember made both of us cry. Wait did I just say that? You didn’t hear me say that.

I’m drinking a medium Grasshopper Mocha, just because my frequent coffee addict punch card was full and needed to be used on something more expensive than usual.

Sometimes I feel loved. Like the other day, I was driving my car…on a road…and I looked up to realize I was following some secret admirers. Well they weren’t so secret about it, since they were advertising their great love me on their rear windshield.

I helped cut some very tall grass and pull some overgrown weeds at this older man’s house today. His neighbors complained to the city that he was creating a haven for west nile virus infected mosquitoes. So a group of us from my church hauled tractors, mowers, and weed eaters over to his “field”, and spent a few hours eradicating.

Right now, on my ipod, the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is singing these lines: “a pebble in the water makes a ripple effect,
every action in this world will bear a consequence, if you wade around forever you will surely drown…I see what's going down…Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough.” I’m passionate about the words in this song. I watched an independent Swedish/Russian film the other day. I didn’t understand the language very well…well not at all, but the film was so powerful, it exposed the horrors and tragedy of the modern slave industry, and showed how girls from poverty stricken place in Russia, Eastern Europe, and Asia, are lured into finding work in well-to do western society. Once they arrive in the new country, they are immediately enslaved and used for prostitution and the sex industry. It made me so angry. Angry at the abuse they endure. Angry at the parents and families that let them leave. Angry at the patrons of these businesses or pimps. I know plenty of Soldiers or Sailors who, while on leave overseas, will ignorantly contribute to the abuse of these poor women and girls. Everything in my wants to fight to protect hurting people. Why don’t I do it then? I have a friend who doesn’t know what to do with her life, so she is heading to South East Asia in September to teach English. But her heart’s desire is to help rescue and protect girls who are caught up in this debauchery. I pray the Lord will bless her and provide for her and fuel her zeal for good.

Last weekend I spent some time with God. I mean I try to spend time with God all day long, but I sometimes get distracted. So I visited the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, and asked God to speak to me change me more. When I arrived at the IHOP mission base, I immediately felt this burden lifting from my shoulders and something I can only describe as the presence of God.

Many amazing and timely things happened during those days. In fact, I didn’t understand why I went at first. I was actually mad at God, because all of my weekend plans had failed and I felt stuck in Kansas for another lonely weekend. But the Lord told me to be quiet and be still. SHUT UP ROB! Then he said, GO TO KANSAS CITY. And then I realized his Purpose. I found myself consumed in worshiping God with a hundred other people from all around the world at 3 AM on Saturday, and I was not tired. Here are some thoughts I wrote down in my journal during that period of time:

- I am a whore. Derek Webb sings about this in his Wedding Dress song. “I am a whore, I must confess. I put you on like a wedding dress.” I identify with that song completely. God calls us not to lift our souls to another. We make all these promises and commitments to God, and then fail. And feel bad about it. And ask God to forgive us. And he welcomes us back. These are the times when with think that Grace is cheap. But, though it was free for us, it wasn’t cheap for God, because as Bonhoeffer writes, it cost God his Son. I read through HOSEA, and the prophet Hosea married a prostitute, who was married to many men and kept leaving him. He kept taking her back. That’s why I feel like a whore.

- Be SALT, I am commanded. Sometimes I feel like my salt has lost its saltiness. So what is it then?

- Have mercy Lord, according to your unfailing love.

- Yaweh is my KING, ruling and reigning over me.

- Lord thank you for beautiful voices.

- We have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. That’s from Colossians 1:9. I’ve been praying that over my daughters for a while now.

- God will bring about JUSTICE for his chosen who cry out to him day and night (Luke 18:7-8)

- I think most people don’t realize what they are really longing for, and therefore, search the world for things to try to fill the empty holes in their souls. Eventually when we fail to find satisfaction, we enter a place of brokenness, and then have a choice, to let God fill us and heal us, or to live in bitterness and despair.

- Lord, I want to love as you love.

- I think I’ve gotten to the point in my life where SHOCK doesn’t surprise me anymore. Isn’t that some kind of oxymoron?

- You are worthy, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things and by your will they were created and have their being (Revelation 2:4)

- Jealousy is a husband’s FURY!!

- I’m grasping how wide, how deep, how long, and how high the love of God really is.

- Lord, change my occasional flirtations glance to a steady and longing gaze!

Here is a first look at a song I started to write in KC. I have developed a melody already, but like all my songs, will collect dust until I am partnered with someone more musically inclined than me. I play it in the key of Em.

What would it be, Lord

That you have for me?

I’m just broken man (who is)

Lost at sea

I have nothing to offer you

On my own

I have no power

To change the road I’m walking on

I can’t seem to figure out

What I’m doing here

Look, I’m only a child

And full of anguish and fear

But you call me

Call me

Back to you…

And now you send me

Where you want me to go

You are the Spirit

Holy Fire

Release this anointing over me (3x).

Last night my friend, Dan, counseled me on the phone while I was parked at a Shell gas station. It was timely and good to hear a friendly voice in the wilderness. I have been mulling over things, and don’t quite no where to go. My thoughts, emotions, heart, longings, and passions are all jumbled and tangled together. They are not neat and orderly.

Yesterday in my alone time I drove the Outback through the unpaved county roads of the Kansas flinthills kicking up dust and testing the limits of the All-Wheel Drive. I happened upon this hidden swimming hole, Pillsbury Crossing, that literally blocked the road way. The road crossed this creek where the depth was about 18 inches. People had parked their trucks in the creek, and were drinking beer and swimming in the deeper parts near a waterfall. I never thought I would see this in Kansas.

You are only my friend if I can pinch you

2008-08-18T17:42:00.002-05:00

Its great that all my friends are on the internet now. When I was in Germany, after I destroyed my marriage, and then got back up on my feet, I had a huge circle of friends and we would get together 5-6 days a week! Crazy lifestyle. But now I spend all my free time down at the Blue Stem drinking coffee and talking to all my friends: On Line! What a loser.

Actually some of the Baristas and Baristos have gotten to know me, and I'm just starting to connect with some folks from the church community I've been worshiping with. Sometimes its hard for military folks to connect when they move so much. They often just stay on base and drink and that’s their community; even the families that live on base. I've never been one to do that, but when I came to Kansas it was only supposed to be for 60 days, and nowadays I have so much emotional baggage, that I never know what or how to share with people if it bubbles out of me.

But anyway, NO I'm not going to stay in the barracks. I refuse! Last night, I went to a Bible Study (Ray Vanderlaan, history stuff), and then those guys took me out to dinner! Ye-ah! Then I talked on the phone with a friend from El Paso who is going through a rough time. Then I went back to the barracks and set up a NETFLIX account, so that I could watch feature films on-line, which will only last until I deploy, because I won't have high-speed internet in Afghanistan or wherever I go. I watched a really great Israeli movie about Bedouins and their interaction with modern Arab and Jewish society. I like foreign films.

Then I slept in until 0930, and YES it was peacefully quiet with NO fluorescent lights flicking on at 0500!

I washed clothes, read ACTS, ate brunch at the chow hall, and then drove downtown to find gummi bears and authentic German Haribo candy for Andrea. I was unsuccessful. I found regular gummi bears, but not the cool stuff from Europe. Go figure, I'm in Kansas. So, I asked a friend in Germany to buy some from the Kaufmarkt and have his little girls write a card to my daughter Andrea and mail the stuff to her. That will be fun.

I did buy some other knickknacks like a Hannah Montana back to school stationery set, a purple K-State T-shirt for my cheerleading daughter, some chocolate, and a few other things, and now I sit at the Blue Stem drinking an IRISH COFFEE (it’s a long weekend) and packaging all this stuff up. I'm also sending a package of chocolate to a chocoholic friend in Iraq. Usually when the chocolate arrives, it has to be refrigerated for 24 hours to regain shape. So I've turned the Blue Stem into my office. I hope they don't mind.

Rhythmless

2008-08-11T21:15:00.003-05:00

Some old crumpled song sheets...I found. Just click on the title link or head to this URL:
http://www.restintheshadow.com/rhythmless

Be sure to check out Rhythmless II as well.

Some of Last Year's Thoughts on Coffee

2008-08-11T21:12:00.002-05:00

I don't have a caffeine addiction, but for some strange reason I do get headaches after a few days without the java infusion

September 12, 2007.

In the past several months I have had the joy of sipping on espresso in both Austria and Switzerland with a great group of friends. It was the friendship that made the moment, but the coffee beans simply infused that friendship with great memories.

Today I submitted an application for a managerial or executive position with Caribou coffee. I don't know if any of this will come to fruition, but it would be just as fun to work behind the counter and serve up some great lattes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

July16 2007.

I have consumed a lot of the espresso drug in recent weeks while exploring Alaska's oil fields, Mount McKinley, and my Mom's house. Fairbanks, AK claims the worlds greatest number of drive-thru espresso stands per capita in the world. For a population of about 75, 000 souls (and a few moose), there is an espresso stand on nearly every main street or thoroughfare, and their prices are competitive with Starbucks (which by the way, has not made inroads in this interior city, except for brands sold at the supermarket and bookstore). But what does all of this have to do with the price of tea in China? Nothing. All of this coffee has not really helped me reflect on the status of my life and the chaos that surrounds it. I have been working pretty hard and staying very busy, and have not had much time for true reflection and resting in God's shadow. A 36 hour round-trip drive on dirt roads to Prudhoe Bay on the Artic Ocean should have given me time for thought, but the unimproved roads jostled my brain and body so much that I developed ADHD (and the coffee didn't help).

June 2, 2007.

Well, its June already. Four days until the anniversary of D-Day. Drove through the Normandy coast recently. Walked the beaches where countless thousands of patriots and volunteers sacrificed their lives, for the freedom of a people and a continent that hardly remembers, it seems.

What would the world be like if we all learn to sacrifice for others at that level. Expecting nothing in return.

May 20^th-

AMBITION

Its good to have a concept for your future. You realize your options, you think about them, and you walk through them. But its best to give them to God. We have much more "control" over our future than our past. That is a truth.

I know that it is important that we surrender our lives to God. But I don't think he just wants us to sit back for the ride. As Christians we are to be proactive. I just reread II Chronicles, just to examine the life of David (sinful choices and consequences) and then see how his era passed into the era of Solomon. None of those guys just sat back. They made decisions, sometime really poor decisions, but they made them.

I have enjoyed reading a book called Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus recently. McManus is part of a real life church group that meets in a bar in Los Angeles. He has interesting perspectives on life. But in the book he talks abouts our future. He talks about our dreams. The worst part about dreams is waking up! He doesn't buy into "if you dream, it will happen", but he subscribes to Godly ambition. God places in us a drive to accomplish something. We all have a need to progress. To lack ambition is to become complacent. To lose our passion is to become apathetic. The future doesn't happen by accident; it happens through engagement.

I am fully committed to being engaged during the rest of my life. I have some hangups now. I can't see around a lot of my roadblocks, but I am not sitting back anymore.

I used to be caught up in this "glamorous" and mysterious career. But I have let go of that. I told one friend I would be happy being a Barrista at Starbucks, as long as I could really live (but she told me you had to be a woman or gay to be a Barrista).

May 12, 2007.

So, today is my youngest daughter's 11th Birthday. That amazes me. This miracle of life. I am an absentee Dad, I pondered over my Saturday morning cup of coffee.

Over My Shoulder

2008-08-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

There is no fear in Love. Perfect love drives out all fear. 1John4:18

(extract notes from various emails I have sent…)

Funniest line I heard in a FDNY (Fire Department of New York) themed Hollywood blockbuster I recently watched. Two of the firefighters were flirting with some young ladies at the grocery store.

So you guys usually pick up girls in the supermarket for fun?

No, I usually just throw them over my shoulder and carry them down the stairs!!!

!No Puedo Salvarme!

2008-07-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

This morning, I didn't have any duties at work, so, after running and breakfast, I returned to the bay (where I live with about 40 guys), and did some work-related reading in the lawn chair beside my bunk. I was feeling exhausted and my thoughts started drifting toward my life, a history of mistakes, where I'm at today, where I'm going, etc…thoughts that were leading to the exact opposite way of thinking that I blogged about earlier this week (What's Choking You?). So, against my better professional judgment, I climbed into my rack to take a nap (at 1000 in the morning) and drifted off to sleep. Have you ever been awake and asleep at the same time? I woke up feeling this major oppression. I can only describe it as a heavy feeling. My eyes were open and I was staring at the bunk above mine. I willed to get up, but I couldn't. I sensed this very obvious spiritual warfare taking place in my presence and against me. I suddenly noticed my legs were bound together and I physically could not move. I tried to sit up, but my body refused to react. My lips were sealed as I tried to speak, and then yell. I was unable to utter even a sound. Alone in the bay, I started yelling the name of Jesus, but I was still trapped. It was quite a fearful experience. I think it lasted about ten minutes. I just kept repeating the name of Jesus over and over again, until finally I felt released, and was able to sit up. The heaviness of this oppression probably lasted another 30 minutes or so. I cannot explain any of this, except that it has happened at least three other times in my life. The most memorable occasion took place on the night before my wedding in 1993. At that time, I felt like I was being choked. There was this feeling that the enemy did not want me to marry Kelli. In today's battle, I can't name a particular sin or behavior that would have initiated this apparent attack. Life has been "normal" lately, for lack of a better description. I know that God is moving in my life, and that His victory will be won. No puedo Salvarme! I can't save myself.

Whats choking you?

2008-07-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

What's choking you??

Do you remember when Jesus was telling his disciples about the farmer dude who planted a whole bunch of seeds in different types of soils during planting season? Those seeds all reacted quite differently according to the type of soil in which they were planted. I believe the soil you really want to stay away from is the soil that contains a lot of weeds. Those weeds will choke your seeds, or the resulting plant, to death. It seems Jesus often communicated to his disciples and us through these crazy little stories called parables. He rarely laid down the law. He simply suggested that people ought to do what they know they should do. He usually ended his parables with a statement like: "He who has ears, let him hear." One of my pastors at The Well, Matt, once spoke about how complex our relationship with God is. When you think about it, along with everything else in the universe it really is mind-bogglingly complex and unfathomable…yet, if we truly know God, our relationship with Him can really be quite simple. When we don't trust God, then that is often when we end up in those weed-choking predicaments of life. Partly, I guess, it's because we choose not to listen. Even though we have ears. I have had ears my entire life, at least as far as I know. I've seen the baby pictures. Whether it was excess ear wax or the foreign language that was spoken, there were many times in my life when I chose not to listen. I allowed the weeds to grow up in my life and choke me out. I was down for the count, and oxygen deprived, and failed to recover, until Jesus did some major landscaping in my life. I think when most of us get choked, like full throttle choked, it's because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what's going to happen…to us. Fear is like lack of faith. Somewhere else Jesus asks us if, by worrying, we can add a single hour to our lives. I believe Jesus knew what he was talking about. Today, at The Well, Matt defined worry as failure to…be here. That is not really a complex statement at all. But, to me, it's quite profound. When we live in the past or when we begin to contemplate the future with little knowledge of how things will actually turn out, we stop trusting in God's sovereign plan. I don't necessarily subscribe to my Muslim friends' "in'sahalla" answer to every one of life's challenges. They often live quite fatalistically and resort to inaction when faced with a problem. What I mean is, in reality there are consequences for every one of our actions or inactions. That is a law of physics I learned in high school. I got a "B" in that class. We have to live life in the here and now and make decisions and be proactive while simultaneously Do you know what epinephrine is? If I had scored higher than a "B" in chemistry class I could probably tell you what the chemical compound breakdown consisted of, but I didn't so I won't. Epinephrine is really the same thing as adrenaline. One reason we worry so much, Matt suggests, is that we never observe "Shabbat", the day of rest that the old testament of the Bible talks about. I learned recently that God doesn't require us to observe the Sabbath for HIM, but rather he wants us to observe the Sabbath for US. Do you know we need a day of rest, because during a typical week we tend to be so shot up and high on epinephrine that we can't rest. Americans can be so production driven, and every time we start producing or thinking about producing our adrenaline starts flowing. And that sure causes a heck of a lot of worry. Apparently almost anything we "do" will instigate the flow of epinephrine through our bodies. This could simply be driving our cars, working through a project at the office, being involved in an argument, receiving a smile from a pretty woman, or even logging on to your computer to check emails or read someone's blog! And once epinephrine is releases, it might take hours to dissipate. All of that just to say that we need to rest. If we take one day of the week and do almost nothing, or at least change our routine, I think we will notice a huge difference. Can you imagine a day when you don't drive anywhere, don't check any email, or even watch TV? It would probably take some getting used to. You might go through epinephrine withdrawal. But it would drastically change your life. We need to stop worrying so much. The wise writer, Solomon, in Ecclesiastes realized this. He boiled it down to there being a season for every thing, so quit getting so stressed out about what happened or what might happen. So, what is choking you? Live for the future by choosing to be well and weed-free today. trusting in God's will.

Conflict Resolution

2008-06-29T21:06:00.003-05:00

The last day of June, at least for this year.

Conflict resolution (a short one this time!)

Donald Miller writes in his book Searching for God Knows What,

"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is."

Pretty profound if you ask me. Examine the cause for every social or political conflict that affects this planet. It can really boil down to people putting the identity of the Creator in their own little comfortable or confusing box, so that they can have it their way, as if life is some fast-food joint.

My latest conflict? I bought a new pair of Oakley's today. How will I avoid losing or misplacing them? I seem to always lose my sunglasses before the break-in period has expired. And, as I type this, I just swallowed an ice cube from my medium Iced Mocha. Brainfreeze sets in rapidly. I guess I can't resolve this one on my own and I can't blame it on God.

Feasts Whispers and Apologies

2008-06-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

29 June 2008

Now it is Sunday. I enjoyed our eclectic worship gathering at the Well this morning. We focused on worshiping God through fellowship, and specifically in sharing meals…Matt showed us though scripture how often God related to people through feasting and breaking bread, as they used to say. These events bring us together and they help us remember. In the old days people were given specific commands to remember by celebrating through big dinners like the feast of tens, the feast of unleavened bread, etc. Jesus frequently met with people over a meal, and of course is pretty well known for his last supper. We really do connect with people a lot more deeply when we are sharing a meal. Ya know? Right now, I want to share a cup of coffee with someone, and since I'm at the Blue Stem (AGAIN!), I guess I'm sharing coffee with a lot of people. I'm not really talking to many of them though, except Beth the barrista, who was also at the Well this morning, and my friend Siul, who drove here with me.

I looked at my journal notes from last week, and I wrote this status update (now expired):

"…having been given much, still wanting to do something more exciting with this life, but not necessarily with a uniform and body armor, for I'm reluctant to be blown to smithereens…"

I think I'm still in that place. But, as I, look beyond the frustrations, I realize it has been a really good week of examining and seeing truth in the day to day, and moving forward. We often don't see our role or purpose when we are staring at the floor, on looking where our feet take us along the journey, I think. But when we get outside of ourselves, take a look at the aerial view, we can see the progress a little clearer. I reconnected with a really old friend this week (she's not really old, and neither am I), and we discussed some of the deepest, most painful things that have affected our lives. It is eerily uncanny how much these tragedies we have both experienced in life parallel. And God has begun to move mountains before and through our lives.

I don't make it a habit to study Greek like some of my crazy friends, but I always find it fascinating to see who significant the choice of words, can, through translation, affect the intended outcome of a statement. For example, in Greek, I think, there are several words that describe hearing or understanding. The word "Ous", is like detecting a faint whisper. But "Akuom" is like really understanding what that whisper is conveying. I really like that. You Greek scholars can correct me if you want. Do you ever feel like, when you are trying to make a decision, or are confused about something, you suddenly begin to detect a faint whisper? Usually you won't hear that whisper at all, until you quiet yourself and stop all the stressing, complaining, and fear. I think that tugging on our hearts and that whisper is the Holy Spirit telling us, "its going to be alright". Sometimes all we need to hear is "I Love You" faintly whispered in our ear. The warm breath of those three words whispered by a lover, can be more comforting than anything else in this world. And yet, when we reach Akuom, and begin to really discern what that sweet whisper is saying we KNOW that it will be alright.

Here is an apology that someone important once wrote to me. I rediscovered it this afternoon while leafing through my old Bible. It was written on a crumpled piece of paper obscurely hidden in the back leaf of the cover. As I read through the note, I was tearfully taken aback at the reality of the fact that it should have been me apologizing to her. In her letter, she said that she learned that if she wanted something she should seek it by honest means, rather than through lies and deceit. Lies just catch up with you, she wrote. But more importantly, she goes on, lying destroys relationship and trust. There is such simple truth in that statement; Truth that we often learn through so much incredible pain sometimes. In concluding her apology, she quotes the band, Pillar: "If I could, I'd take back all the lies and all of those times I hurt you. I don't know if I'll ever know exactly how much I hurt you; and knowing that hurts me everyday."

If I could, I would take back all the lies.

In the Storm

2008-06-12T20:57:00.003-05:00

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=112073

This is how I felt last night…driving through that very same storm in Salina, Kansas, and then finally seeking shelter at an eerie closed gas station off a barren stretch of 1-70 (flash scenes from some Alfred Hitchcock thriller). I departed for ColoradoKansas corridor, but for some reason I felt compelled to face the challenge. I'm tired of not standing up to things that are much bigger than me. After all, in facing my giants of yesteryear and today, I have given myself the moniker of Stoneslinger. I want to live up to that name. So I departed on what was supposed to have been a seven hour cruise. I had traveled no more than an hour when every radio station started broadcasting alert tones, and they didn't end with that "this is a test of the public emergency broadcast system" line. I was close to Salina, so I pulled off the highway, looking for a motel or restaurant for protection, but then the stormchasers announced that the tornado had already crossed I-70 and was heading north. They advised it should be clear for Westward travelers. That's me, I thought, so I jumped back on the interstate to continue my journey. Not more than seven minutes after I reached cruising speed, the broadcasters announced two more shelf clouds had formed southwest of my location proceeding at 60 MPH towards me! The spotters were reporting baseball size hail impacting the ground in various locations. It was dark and I couldn't see much, except for this huge shelf cloud that was beginning to descend to the ground encompassing the full view of my passenger side window. I was cruising at about 80 MPH myself, trying to "outrun the storm", but then radio announcers reported that several more tornados had already touched down. I was starting to perspire a little, and my AC was still refrigerating the Subaru quite well. By this time I was in the barren amber waves of grain part of Kansas, and I was starting to mentally designate various ditches and low areas as rallypoints to return to if one of these Giants brandished its vortex of violent swirling air in my general direction, and then…I found exit 225. And, I saw a light. Aha, a gas station, the only sign of humanity or safety for miles around. I pulled in and was relieved to see its lights were on and a few other people had sought shelter there. I pulled my car under the gaspump awning, and dashed inside. The three other travelers were already watching the close captioned storm reports traversing the screen below an extremely stupid gameshow. The first storm passed to our south, and was relative harmless. The gas station attendant said it was past his beer time, and needed to lock up, so we proceeded to our two cars, but before departing, the other travelers told me new storms had been reported and they were moving directly toward our location. We had lost access to the apparent shelter of the gas station, so we parked our cars really close together and huddled inside. And those storms were violent. I remember experiencing a few minutes of real fear, or maybe I should say respect, as the rain and hail began to swirl in a circular direction outside my windshield. I had been more comfortable when it was flying sideways! And then, I noticed these grenade like explosions in the pavement in front of my covered car: Hailstones were impacting with force. My car was rocking back and forth, and I just begin to pray, and thanked God for revealing to me his power and might in a very real way. The radio station DJs had now moved to their basement shelters, as tornados touched down and plowed through the city of Salina, and then ironically moved on to Manhattan (Kansas State) where I normally spend my evenings. last night with full knowledge that a severe storm was moving toward me along the 1-70 central

After another 45 minutes, my fellow safetyseekers and I decided to head West before something else blew in. Except for one fuel stop, I kept the pedal to the medal all the way to the Colorado Border, where, at about 0230 AM, with drooping eyes, and a post adrenaline attack crash, finally found a truck stop. I managed to brush my teeth before falling into a dead sleep in the reclined passenger seat of my faithful Subaru. I woke up about four hours later with a mild case of frost-bite beginning to grow on my toes.

Colorado is a little cooler than Kansas, I learned. And they operate in a different timezone. After thawing my feet out and consuming an unappetizing greasy breakfast at Denny's I kicked my spurs into the Subaru and zoomed West on Colorado 24, and promptly ran into a tumbleweed and a llama. Welcome back to the West, Rob, they said. The tumbleweed disappeared under the car and the llama, spitting at me with his eyes, remained corralled behind a fence. The tumbleweed brought back memories from El Paso days, but I wasn't quite prepared for the llama attack, and all I could think about was Samantha reciting lines from the Emperor's New Groove: "Not your Llama!".

I arrived in the Springs about an hour or so later, and reacquainted myself with that sprawling little city nestled in the foothills of Pike's Peak. It wasn't even 9 AM yet, and I didn't have an appointment to meet my friends until after 5PM, so I decided to drive up to the magnificent Garden of the Gods, where I changed into shorts, grabbed my camelback, and ranhiked (I just invented that word) for about two hours. And, glancing at Pikes Peak, I am in awe at the greatness and majesty of God. I experienced Him in the fiercest part of the storm, and in the calm sunrise illuminating the mountain before me.

And now, my cup of coffee is dry, and I need to remount the Subaru and head for the hills. Mercy covers all.

Naked Thoughts From My Journal Today

2008-06-09T17:37:00.001-05:00

Naked thoughts.

Many events and feelings have occurred since I last wrote. I have been quite lazy in keeping up with my writing. And now I don’t remember much…it’s all jumbled together.

Tornados, firing many powerful weapons, experiencing the heat and discomfort of wearing body armor for hours at a time, knowing that perhaps, one day it will save my life; all the while still wondering what my role is in all this madness of countering an evil insurgency.

Losing contact with my daughters even more, missing them until it hurts, and then fighting the desire to miss them so it doesn’t hurt so much; realizing tonight that they now have a baby sister as Kelli has given birth to some other man’s daughter: the ultimate betrayal, with which I have no basis to judge or hold grudge.

Traveling though Kansas to visit my dear friend who wallows behind bars for 9 more months, yet remains at peace with where God has him at the moment.

Forgetting to cancel reservations at an extremely expensive Hilton Hotel in Kansas City and being charged for the room I did not occupy.

Enjoying the unique friendships with all the Navy doctors I live with.

Struggling with sharing my faith.

Preparing for the ultimate and most challenging mission of my life, one month away.

Not knowing the future.

Not reading much.

Not reading much in God’s word; excusing it for the violence of my schedule, lack of personal space; but realizing the damage that is inflicted by lack of consistent truth in my life.

Missing my friends in Europe, and desiring deeper friendships here.

Lonely for the heart of a woman, someone to care for and to give away my everything in the deepest way.

Tears don’t fall much anymore. These eyes are dry and weary.

Ashamed of all my somethings.

Searching for God knows what.

Thankful for moments of peace.

Looking forward to resting in the freshness of Colorado this weekend.

Wanting to see the Lees and Williams next month.

Desiring to be less selfish and more of a servant.

Loving...

One Saturday Evening in Aggieville, or The Problem with People

2008-05-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

I sit in the corner by a window. In my peripheral vision I count a hundred legs passing by on the sidewalk outside, their owner's identities and features concealed by the half-closed blinds that also shelter me from the setting sun's last burning rays of this warm Saturday evening in late May. Sitting there I ponder the valleys and summits of my life, presently feeling abandoned, perhaps having lost my grip and anchor on the climb, but knowing I can only continue to ascend this mountain, even without my belay. Jazz music disturbs the still, quiet air in Radina's Roastery. The normally packed and lively coffee house is quite empty, most likely because of the Kansas State University commencement ceremony that has just finished about a block away. A group of Chinese students exchange stories and giggle in a high-pitched mandarin. I want to sit at the table next to them and ask them "Nee How Mah?", How are you doing?, and then ask them if their families in China are safe after the terrible earthquakes that rocked their country last week. But then I would probably find out that they are from Taiwan, and would have to apologize profusely. An attractive 20-something blonde types ferociously on her laptop next to me. The Barrista at the counter blends an iced mocha for another customer and tells me she hopes business remains this slow tonight, adding that it would be better if all the students bypass Radina's and head straight to the bars that cover Aggieville, the night life district in this university town. I like this place. It has been my escape from the weeks of combat training and cultural immersion that have been preparing me for impending introduction to the hell of war. I like the fresh roasted and ground coffee. I like the diverse atmosphere, although I'm not entirely thrilled about the bulletin board poster that boasts of an upcoming meeting of the local Gay, Bi, and Lesbians club. But even in escape, I find myself in a state of loneliness. The blonde woman sitting next to me is joined by an old friend, another 20-something of possible Indian descent, named Ashley. Apparently they have not seen each other for a while, because she comments on the length of Ashley's hair. They sit down and begin to discuss work and relationships. Let me catch you up on the latest. Ashley loves her job because everyone considers her the fashion expert. My blonde neighbor enjoys the projects she is working on, but is frustrated about her boss and her relationship with guys who did not know how to be real. Ashley is in love with her boyfriend, but frustrated that he hasn't asked her to marry him yet. He is going to grad school in Ohio, and she doesn't want to move to Ohio and wait for him. She is a city girl, and couldn't possibly sit around in the emptiness of Ohio. She understands he, being a Grad student, doesn't have the money for a ring, but she knows his heart is to marry her. They have looked at rings. She only wants a ring from Tiffany's, because Tiffany's knows how to do diamonds, apparently. She is interested in a round diamond, that in the light, reveals some sort of cross shape in the center or something like that. She would like to contribute and work so he can focus on school, but also realizes they should probably wait to marry until school is out of the way. I want to join in their conversation. I want to share with them some of the few lessons I have learned about relationships. I am an expert on destroying relationships. I want to share with them some passages from "Searching for God Knows What", the book by Donald Miller that I am pretending to read at my table by the window right now. Especially the passage about the problem with people. Miller tells us the problem with people is that they don't always do what you want them to do. I've personally realized in recent weeks that, as much as we spend our energy and entire lives trying to change those around us, because either we hate what they are doing or not doing (to or for us), ultimately, the only thing we can really change might be ourselves. And even that is quite impossible on our own. We can't make people like us. We can't make people forgive us. We can't make people respect themselves. I think, though, that if we allow ourselves to be transformed, we might be able to look at other people in, perhaps, a less offensive, selfish sort of way. Another good Book I have read, often reminds me of that need for transformation.

Though I haven't had an intimately emotional relationship with a woman in over two years, this band of gold that is engraved on my left hand keeps my heart focused on what is most important, and not distracted by the bombardment of opportunities that seek to fruitlessly occupy that missing void in my life. I don't feel bombarded right now. But I do desire friendship. That is part of my humanity that sometimes bubbles up to the surface of who I am, I guess. I feel like I'm living in a foreign land these days, a prairieland of faces and voices I do not recognize or understand. The day to day life I am becoming accustomed to in my new environment is full of the lost and profane. As much as I want to connect with my co-workers and the people I live with, as much as I want to share the truth and peace and hope and joy with them, I am constricted. I thank God for some of the opportunities I have had, and I am thankful for a new brother I have recently met, but its certainly not the same as the brotherhood and sisterhood of friends I recently left in Europe, and the wonderful families who took me in during my pilgrimage across this continent in recent months.

Since I won't connect with anyone at Radina's tonight, I take my last sip of now cold Cappuccino, wish the Barrista good night, and exit onto the now dark sidewalk. The vampires have emerged, and I'm not one of them. Scores of students, and the occasional Soldier or Sailor, move up and down the streets of Aggieville in clusters, some already intoxicated, through alcohol, or perhaps the spirit of friendship or desire, but most heading for the countless themed bars and hangouts that pump gyrating or rocking music into the night.

Later as I drive back to base I pass by fraternity and sorority houses, overflowing onto the lawns with young people, drinks in hand, laughing, and enjoying the warm Spring night. Their final exams have ended, many have graduated, and all have turned a new chapter in their lives. What will they be doing in a year? Some will be back in school. Some will be employed. Some will take pride in wearing the uniform I now wear. I can't help but wonder, though, are they wasting their lives, like I did for so much of mine?

The Journey Home 2008

2008-05-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

Edited Rebroadcast, with addendum...

April 2008

So. I departed Clarksville, Tennessee this morning, and now, Sunday afternoon, 400 miles and 15 gallons of really expensive 89 octane (with 10% corn byproduct) later I'm sitting in a St. Louis Borders Bookstore & Cafe drinking a cappuccino that is authentically good, even for my refined European tastes (ha, ha). I'm waiting for my friends Glenn and Val to return to their apartment where I will spend the night, and wishing my daughter, Brianna, a happy 18th Birthday in my heart.

For those of you who don't know, I'm on my way to Kansas, where I will spend the t 60-90 days training for a year-long deployment. This is a huge and challenging undertaking for me, but I'm excited and thankful the opportunity the Lord has given me after the trials and trauma of the past two years.

I have shared with some of you how, in recent weeks, I discovered a few notes I had written in 2006. First, in my desperation, I had been praying at that time, that the Lord would truly teach me his ways so that I would walk in His truth, and that he would grant me purity of heart (or an undivided heart) so that I would honor Him. This was a note I had made based on Psalm 86. I had also been vigorously chewing on Jeremiah 29:11, where the Lord says, "For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". I had no idea what that could possibly mean during those dark and terrifying days. But, I trusted the Lord that something would be on the other side of that huge looming mountain before me. And His promises, as always, prevailed and continue to prevail.

May I take a break to publicly say, that I am honored and broken, by the generosity and living example of grace, mercy, and forgiveness that all of you have bestowed on me? Most of you have gone beyond that uncommon expression, and re-extended your hands of fellowship and friendship in so many meaningful and countless ways. There is not a day that goes by, that I don't thank God for you.

Well, after a year of supporting the recruiting mission in Europe, and feeling overpaid, and underused, I finally received orders sending me on this current journey. But the past year was by no means a waste, because the Lord used that year to produce some fruit and major growth in me, and developed in my circle of friends, my Oikos as the Greeks say, some of the richest and deepest friendships I have ever had in my life. These relationships today are more genuine and real because of the Lord's raw exposure of my heart and peeling of the knotty armored scales that had entrapped me all these years. My previous guarded and often unemotional personality, was something that probably contributed to my downfall. I have since learned that being real is what it is all about. I will always cherish the friends I have made in Germany, especially the Band of Brothers. I wish that I could take back the mistakes of the past, but I wouldn't trade you guys for anything!

On April 2nd I said Aufwiedersehen to Germany, and flew to Charlotte, NC where I paid $77 for a hotel I didn't stay in. I did consume some Sushi as my first meal on American soil after 4 years in Europe, before my friend Rich picked me up and drove me to his family's famous River Drive House in Columbia, SC. I then spent about 10 of the most blessed and joyful days with his family, while taking a short trip to Fayetteville to visit more long-time family friends. Highlights teaching people how to play CRUD and destroy their new pool table, building a fence, losing to an 8-year old on the Wii every single time we played it, and "schooling" some very gullible folks on how to make two human hairs fight. Classic! Of course, I had to be gullible at one point in my life, in order to have become an expert Human Hair Fighter (thanks,Ryan!). You will have to look at my Myspace videos page to see some of the evidence. I also went to Charleston with Angela and her cool kids to haggle with US Customs and Border Patrol about picking up my car at the port. Those weeks in the Carolinas also included some much needed emotional counseling and deep discussions about my life and my family, and good coffee. I praise God for them.

In mid-April, I visited the Citadel Military College in Charleston, and picked up my friend, Dan Meyers (www.danmeyers.com – a plug for his updated website!), and, after an overnight stop with the Williams in Columbia again, we drove to Greenville, for a short stay and dinner party at PECTEN. PECTEN is latin for something like the Pilgrim's Way, and in fact, Dan had lived there with Louis and Melissa about four years ago, while he was engaged in his musical and spiritual pilgrimage. I have been on a pilgrimage, so this experience was another amazing blessing in my life. That night we watched "Dan, in Real Life". It was hard for me not to shed a few tears, because the film reminded me so much of my daughters. The next day we drove to Dan's place in Franklin, TN where we dined on hotwings at Puckett's Grocery. I perspired profusely because I'm weak that way. As we walked home through historic downtown Franklin, I noticed three black pants/white shirted youths approaching us, and gave the prepare to preach signal to Dan. After hearing the standard questions about our knowledge of the LDS, I prayed and Dan dialoged and confessed that we couldn't ever believe Jesus was supposedly the brother of Satan. These guys did furiously write down the scriptures we shared with them like Colossians 2 and Psalm 86, but they did this while simultaneously trying to play us. I snapped a photo so that we could continue to pray for these young men. The next day, after Dan prepared me a gourmet omelet and cappuccino (I think he should quite the music business and become a chef!), I proceeded to Clarksville, Tennessee where I stayed with another quite awesome family for about five days.

Visiting Clarksville was terribly unexciting, but reuniting with the Lee's and spending time with them was tremendously enjoyable. We caught up on the almost 10 years that has distanced us from when we all held small group together at Manna Church in Fayetteville. Some highlights from my days with the Lees: Hookah and Keir's crazy friends. Playing Apples to Apples, a crazy game, visiting Nashville with Keir, making French Press. Ummm, Good. American Eagle and $160 worth of clothes that were $160 too much for me (it would have been nice to receive the 40% discount that Keir and Dane get for their "ministry" at that retailer). Rocking out to Hawk Nelson in the rain. New tires to replace Keir's bald tires, and transforming his "car" into a real truck.

May 4^th Addendum: Kansas is not my idea of home, and if I had some ruby slippers, I might click them together, and seek to be transported elsewhere. But that's not happening for a few months, so I might as well enjoy it. I'm sitting in a pretty cool coffee shop hangout outside Kansas State, Home of the Cougars. Its evening, it looks like the vampires are starting to come out and tear Aggieville up with a night of partying, so I should depart and return to my humble barracks home soon. I thank God, that I'm here, even though I still lack some direction. I'm thankful to be done with a week-long endurance of an annoying head cold. Last week I became the proud parent of both the smallpox and anthrax viruses, one shot in each arm. They are now circulating in my bloodstream, and hopefully building up an immunity that, perhaps one day will protect me from some Terror Turd's failed biological warfare attack. Today I visited the Armed Forces Disciplinary Barracks at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, and spent some time with a dear brother in Christ who still has a year left of his sentence. What a joy it was to see him and share the grace and love of our redeemer! He motivates me, in his contentment with his current situation, despite his desire to be home with his wife and 2 year-old son whom he has never met. Bless you, friends, and thanks for sticking with me!!

Tag, You're It

2008-02-29T20:51:00.002-06:00

The rules are; once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end you choose ten people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says ''You are tagged'' on their profile and tell them to read your latest blog; and No tag backs!

1. One time I ate dog food because I thought it would impress the ladies.

2. There was a dark evening, in my high school era, in which I stood on top of a grassy knoll in the middle of a golf course, holding a cigarette lighter high in the air, and declared myself the "Statue of Puberty". A number of my friends had also trespassed onto that Golf Course. Again, I was trying to impress the ladies.

3. During a certain period of my so called life, when I resided on the Pacific Coast of California, I often wore a Sombrero. I thought I was impressing the ladies.

4. My first car was a 1977 Datsun B210 Hatchback with white racing stripes. Its possible that could have impressed the ladies. Due to my carelessness it found itself rolled over and quite destroyed before I had received my driver's license. I had to drive my Mom's car to Prom. There is a slight possibility I thought it impressed the ladies because it had an FM radio.

5. I avoid food products that include Corn Syrup or Mono Sodium Glutamate in the ingredients.

6. I'm not addicted to Coffee. (first stage is denial). I thought, one day I might enjoy being a Barrista (I mean Barristo), but Nicole told me that would be kind of gay. Also, it might not impress the ladies. Unless I made them free cappuccinos.

7. Once, I was snorkeling with an impressed lady and we followed a giant green sea turtle. He kept turning around to make sure we were following. Quite a cool moment. I won't call it breathtaking because I was underwater.

8. There may have been an occasion where I lost bladder control while parachuting. Another time, I was on a train. Its good to carry Ziplocs in your survival gear. This has nothing to do with the ladies.

9. I like to be real, and I really love Jesus.

10. Oh, I never impressed the ladies very much.

1. Andi—she should know about me.

2. Ben- because he is Wild at Heart like me and has fat tires on his bike

3. Nicole—(and Mike be default) because she always shares everything with me and asks me about everything.

4. Katie B- because she said no Tags back, and I'm going to violate General Order 1 =D

5. Ryan – Same as above.

6. Mad Davy Flint- because he's cool.

7. Jordan- because he won't respond.

8. Angela, because she will.

9.Greg because he can wear a Mohawk and get away with it.

10. Hannah, because I haven't heard from her since she went to some foo-foo college in the Rockies.

And right now, I'm listening to the Violet Burning, because they just rock in a really mellow, amateur, emotional sort of way, and I once saw them play in a dark club/coffeehouse located in a back alley in El Paso, Texas. I drank lattes and rocked out on a couch. I brought my kids and their friends. And sometimes their songs make me want to cry, but I don't because I'm a big boy.

Warrior Children

2008-01-29T20:47:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday, I was conducting some business at the United States Consulate in Frankfurt. As I was on duty, I wore my Army Combat Uniform. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't wear the uniform when I go into the city like that. I don't want to draw sniper fire. OK, this isn't Baghdad. But it still seems out of place. After being checked through security we were ushered upstairs to the appropriate waiting room to conduct our business. There were already numerous other people of varying nationalities and languages waiting to do business with the US Government, including a mom with three young boys. They seemed to be Americans but spoke German pretty fluently. At one point, as I walked by the table where the boys were coloring, a piece of paper fell to the floor. I picked it up and handed it to one of the boys, saying "here you go, young man". He just stared at me, seemingly in awe. Really, he was staring at my unusual attire, the modern combat patterned uniform that represents the might of the US Army. I soon sat back down in my chair, but noticed the boys continued to chatter and glance over at me. Finally the mom grabbed one of the boys by the hand and walked over to me. She said her son, who was about five, wanted to ask me a question. His little brothers, quick to follow, peered around Mom's legs. He asked me, in German accented English, "do you have a helmet?'. Yes, of course I have a helmet I told him. "Do you have a sword?" he then queried me. Well, yes, I guess I do, I replied. "Will you fight a dragon?" he slowly mouthed. I smiled and asked him if he wanted to fight a dragon. He simply responded that he wanted to be a Knight, too. And, that he would fight dragons.

Man, I was floored by that encounter. For such a long time I have felt emasculated and defeated, because of some of the poor choices I made in my past. I know that my Savior has taken that past from me. He has defeated my dragons. But, I also know there are many more dragons to slay. I am getting back on my feet. I am back in training. There still exists, however, this foreboding of great failure in so many regards. Uniquely, the inquisitiveness and awe expressed from the innocence of that tender young warrior child have inspired me to continue my mission. To never quit or accept defeat. I'm grateful for the friends who have picked me up, faithful to the ethos of never leaving a fallen comrade. I'm thankful for my Lord for inspiring me to press on toward the goal, through the faith of a child.

Can we boast we have done anything to be accepted? No, our acquittal is not based on deeds, but faith!

Spiritual Aspects of Auto Repair

2008-01-15T20:42:00.000-06:00

Strange day in the automotive world for me today. Showed up at Auspuff Stein (The German version of Midas Mufflers) at 0730. They didn't open until 0800. So I waited and listened to iPod songs with Joe. The front of my car has been squeaking when I turn the wheels. Kind of like a "raaaaeehh, reeeh, raaaeh" sound. After dropping the car off, we went to the bakery and then back to my house where we made coffee and skipped work. At 1100 I talked to the mechanic and he said the problem was the support arm or something on the left side. Not the struts as I had suspected. I'm not a mechanic. He also advised I should have the wheel bearings repacked. He wanted over 500 Euro. I almost gagged. I'm not doing that, I said to myself. I picked up the car and drove away. The squeak was gone and I didn't pay 500 Euro. Hmmm. So I took it to the auto inspection station since I need to re-register the old green Mercedes. As I drove it into the inspection bay the driver's side headlight went out. Automatic failure. What the??? Then they gigged me for all this oil residue on the bottom of the car. Well, come on, its a1983 car with the same motor. Of course it's going to leak. So, I drove away to get a light bulb and the headlight started working again! OK. So, now I need to take the car to a wash bay to try to clean all the oil off. I'm not replacing the head gaskets or anything like that. There is no way you can stop every leak in a 25 year old car. The driver's seat in my green machine is so caved in (I suspect the previous owner, before the previous owner because I knew the previous owners, but the previous owners before them might have weighed like 452 pounds or something. Because that seat is warn out and it sort of rocks around when you shift your weight), I am starting to get lower back pain. That may, of course, be from all the snowboard falls I have taken though. I would like to buy a new car, like a Toyota Tacoma or Jeep Cherokee, but that seems like sin. Then I went back to work, and enlisted a future Soldier into the Army. And now it is 2104 in the evening. I had lentil and barley soup for dinner. I wrote some letters. Alicia Keys is singing something about how everything means nothing, if she ain't got me. I'm going to go to bed and finish reading BLUE LIKE JAZZ, by Donald Miller (I recommend it). Jesus loves me this I know. God moves in all things, including automotive repair. And, like, that's life on a Wednesday in January.

PAIN

2007-12-16T20:42:00.000-06:00

PAIN

Pain is a tool that we can actually learn from. Naturally, when we are young children, and we put our hand on the stove, and it burns, we have hopefully learned a lesson.

But, when we are older, and have endured much more of life, our pain tends to be, more often than not, emotional rather than physical. How do we process that kind of pain? Is there a band-aid for emotions? Is there salve to soothe the burning dark holes of our souls? What are we learning from this pain that residually tears at the depths of our hearts? We might learn to run from it. We might learn to hide from it. We might ignore it. We might cover it up and protect ourselves, with things like alcohol and illicit, meaningless relationships. We might become the comedian that everyone enjoys having around. We might become driven in our work, our professionalism, or athleticism. Ultimately, though, none of those things will ever fully quench the thirst of pain.

Nevertheless, pain is a useful tool. Suffering will either drown us or drive us into the world of others...to see that we are not alone...that others experience pain, and when we can begin to see the light at the end of our dark tunnels…our cold winter's nights…that there is something to gain from pain. Yes, the growth in ourselves is freeing, but the ability to see other's pain is the reward. And, in this, we find an experiential gift to empathize and help the broken ones.

From here, we can realize how unaware we were of the larger purpose of our lives. We can begin to live for something bigger than ourselves. This gives us reason. Reason to live. Reason to avoid moral shortcuts. Reason to live a life that becomes a legacy. Something beautiful that we may never even catch a glimpse of.

Psalm 119 in the bible is a great place to explore. Fascinating adventures of the heart lay waiting for you in that long chapter of the Word. To me, a fan of the Chronicles of Narnia, it is almost like entering C.S. Lewis' wardrobe. Climb past the musty fur coats and enter the enchanted land! Psalm 119:71, for example: The suffering you sent me was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles....

I also examine the lives of faith lived through the Biblical accounts. Don't you see the pain and agony those people lived through, even under God's blessing?

Man, I look at the life of Ruth. Knowing the background and the culture of the time, I see how much that life must have really sucked! She remained committed to Naomi because she could see no other choice. She led a hard, hard life. In the end, when her story, like yours, turned around, she realized her blessing. But little did she know the complete impact of her life...leading to the throne of David, and the birth of Christ. I encourage you to read the Book of Ruth, if you haven't.

Well, thats what was on my mind this afternoon.

Don't hang onto all those old "been there done that pain and processing" T-shirts. Maybe it is good to keep some, to remember. But others, use them for rags, or discard them.

~ RBR, June 10 2007

No Stars Visible Tonight

2007-11-23T20:40:00.002-06:00

No Stars Visible

No stars are visible on this cool, dark October night. The invasive halogen lights pierce through the concertina tipped fence outside my steel barred windows. As I stare up into nothingness, I become blindingly aware of the vast and incongruous expanse of the Creator's universe. There are no borders or subjugating walls out there. There is only infinite and undefined freedom. In the same way, I realize the true freedom I have within my own God-given soul. My failing heart and unmet yearning for a righteous life are not chained to my past or cursed by original sin when I finally give up my futile attempts to be something I am not; When I relinquish the controls I have so rigidly emplaced on my own concept of destiny, I begin to experience that freedom.

This Man-made prison cannot contain me. For the first time in my brief life, I am truly alive. I have committed my ways to the LORD. My darkness is overwhelmed by a righteousness that will shine like the dawn. The justice of my cause will be as bright as the noon day sun! I have been so wrong about so many concepts. I have hurt the very one's closest to my heart. I have let my guard down and accepted the bait of the evil one's snare. But, the Lord brought me up from the pit of failure and eternal destruction. God's just anger only lasts a moment, and although weeping may cause pain and restlessness through the long night, rejoicing is promised in the new morning.

So with that banner lifted high before me, and armed with a renewed mind and transformed being, what is the direction of this new found freedom trail? Where does this journey of a broken and penitent heart lead?

Anywhere.

Without fear.

Without bars.

Love and Cancer

2007-10-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

"The disease of self runs through my blood
Its a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control."

- Charlie Peacock's (and DC Talk) In The Light

This early October Saturday was emotionally conflicting for me. This morning Ryan and I left pretty early to meet some guys at our church, and then we all drove to a small village about 30 minutes north for a landscaping and cleaning project at Rob and Melanie's home. Rob and Melanie and their little girls are moving from Germany in two weeks. Rob just learned he has inoperable cancer wracking his body. There is nothing the medical professionals can do. The doctors say he may have 2-3 months to live. Rob is only 30 years old. Five years younger than me. As we entered their home and began weeding the yard, cleaning gutters, and taking out trash, I just witnessed an amazing calmness. The daughters were happily playing in the living room. Melanie was focused at her tasks at hand. Rob helped us work. He loves Jesus and he isn't afraid of dying. He is sad that his kids may not grow up with him around. But he learned that he has had this cancer for about five years, so he praises God that his kids were even born into this world, and he got to spend at least five years with them. This completely shreds my already broken heart. The Air Force is going to medically retire him and will ensure his family is well taken care of. The family will return to New York, where they can prepare for this inevitable future. Our church and countless others around the world are praying for God's miracle in this seemingly tragic circumstance. I enjoyed being able to help them for a few hours, before I hit the trails for an exhilarating ride with my mountain bike club on this very crisp fall day in western Germany. But, it was difficult to enjoy the beauty of this world, when my mind raced so furiously in response to the many broken relationships that I see and experience in this vast world. Some relationships are broken by our selfishness and purposeful decisions. I know this from very personal and painful experience. Some relationships are torn apart by unexpected tragedies that emerge from black holes in our peripheral vision. I praise God for the many beautiful things we do get to enjoy in this world, but I am struck by the contrast of this family's ordeal. Rob shared that he and Melanie have been more in love in the past two weeks than in five years of marriage. I am envious of that, but my heart and soul cry out that they would have more. More of the good things of life. I suppose we would all live life with more purpose. We would become serious about our responsibilities. That we would become selfless in our relationships, if we fully realized that our lives will come to an end in this world. May we see that reality today. If you have not ever admitted your mortality and the wrong things you have done, if you have never engaged in a personal relationship with our creator, I hope that you do it soon. God certainly allows tragedy. That has been evident and inherent in man since original sin. But God loves us so much that, according to His written word, sent his only son, to become a mediator between us. He took the burden of our deserved punishment for selfishness and disobedience, so that we could have eternal life. I hope you will realize there is much more to this than some man-made religion to appease the masses and make us feel good about an unknown future. I know that Rob has accepted this as truth, and not as a drug to make him or his wife feel better. May you experience truth before tragedy. I love you.

The more you know, the less you feel...

2007-08-20T20:28:00.002-05:00

Mountain biking with blood brothers was exhilarating this afternoon. But now my arm is throbbing and begging for antihistamine or amputation after it hit some high growing stinging nettle. An incarcerated friend I correspond with has a better attitude about life than me. My soon to be classic mercedes is missing its mercedes decal because a German youth felt vandalistic (I created that word).

Is it true that the more you know, the less you feel?

King Saul was afraid of the people and did what they demanded. He didn't fear God. Do we do that? We are more afraid of what people think, than what God knows.

Sanctus Real sings a song that professes the realities of my own heart condition. I am thankful for those of you that have stood by me in this past year. You are literally God sent and life savers. I want you to know that, because of you. I'm OK. I'm being real with you. And I'm going to be OK.

But, I'm not alright…

If weakness is a wound

That no one wants to speak of

Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune

I only want to be loved

But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?

If you want the truth, I need to confess

CHORUS:

I'm not alright

I'm broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, it leads me to you

VERSE 2:

Burn away the pride

Bring me to my weakness

Till everything I hide behind is gone

And when I'm open wide

With nothing left to cling to

Only you are there to lead me on

Cause honestly, I'm not that strong

I cannot live behind a façade of some character…

I can let go of the past.

But that does not relieve the pain.

Currently listening :
The Face of Love
By Sanctus Real
Release date: 04 April, 2006

Disney Characters

2007-08-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

I visited Disneyland in Paris this weekend. I helped my friend take his little girls to experience the old Magic Kingdom. I enjoyed showing his kids the glitter and glimmer of that fantastic place. But, man, it flooded back the memories of taking my own little girls on that same adventure six years ago. It was very difficult.

I could deal with 50 minute waits to ride on Dumbo the Flying Elephant. I survived It's a Small World (I can't get that song out of my head), but I must say that I least enjoyed the chaos of the masses that engulfed that place. It is in my character to enjoy nursing an espresso at outdoor cafes while people watching, but this was something different. It was mind-controlled madness. It was a cultural melting pot of people from all over the world determined to spend as much money as possible on worthless things. The food and language was definitely French, no matter how much they tried to Americanize every aspect of the park. The workers tended to be North Africans. The visitors were from everywhere. The thing that captured my attention the most was the abundance of apparent Muslims from Arabic, Persian, and Asian Islamic countries touring and enjoying themselves in this Iconic American Pageantry. Yes, and the women wore Minnie Mouse ears over their Hejabs and Burkas. For real. It was a stark contrast to the multitude of western women wearing barely anything at all. (see the photos and videos on this page for evidence). We live in a world that makes no sense.

But, all I truly perceived were lost people, trying to find joy and excitement in something that will never satisfy. I felt lost in a sea of faces. Truly, everyone in that place was playing a character. Not one person could be serious. I felt like I was living in a fantasy world (Yes there was a tinge of Rob humor mixed into that diatribe).

I would like to say that it is good to be back in reality, but it really isn't. I face judgment in three weeks. I don't enjoy that feeling. I have good friends and Jesus loves me. What else do I need? An adventure maybe? I feel like my life, this expedition to ascend my K2, or as Ken Gire writes, the North Face of God, has been called off because of bad weather.

"Isn't it Ironic?"
…sings Alanis Morrisette.

Traveling and Boundaries

2007-07-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

I have been traveling a lot in the past 6 months. I suppose its a natural escape from conflicting and restricting boundaries that I have lived in for so long. I thank God for the freedom to travel. I thank God for his boundaries. Psalm 15 gives us direction for living in God's sanctuary. Have I met all of those standards? Absolutely not. But I seek that victory earnestly. God gives us freedom to win and freedom to fail. But, I am most thankful for the boundaries in which I know He sets before me, because he wants me to succeed. Psalm 16:5-6 reads, Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

What a promise! As I travel the world, from the beaches of Normandy, where so many died for my freedom, to the slopes of the Austrian Alps, the waterfalls of Switzerland, and most recently to the Artic Circle, I praise God for his wonder and awe. I am thankful, that I can enjoy this world within those boundaries. As I traveled to each of these places I was so keenly reminded of the hidden dangers that lurk around us. One wrong move on a slippery snowboard could have sent me hurtling from a cliff. Venturing too far off the path in Prudhoe bay could have brought me face to face with an angry bear.

I am well aware of overstepping those boundaries. I have reaped the ugly consequences and brought harm to many because of those poor choices.

Live within your boundaries. Love the lot God has given you. Enjoy life.

(and check out my latest adventure photos).

Tomorrow, Mariah turns 13. I praise God for her. Please pray for her.

Deepest Disconnection

2007-06-01T20:11:00.001-05:00

DEEPEST DISCONNECTION

rbr - December 2006

Disconnection

Loss of balance

A quest for prodigal return

Incomplete

Unsatisfaction

A desperate yearning to be forgiven

These are the

Deepest wounds

Incapable of healing

Unsutured

Always bleeding

No amount of penitence

Or compression

Will halt this

This lifeblood flowing

Out of us

Cynical

Finished with me

Running from every possibility

Unwilling

Or unable

To risk new pain

From these eyes

From this voice

Inured by the curse of shame

But, I, despite it all

Cannot be defined

By the worst thing

I have ever done

All I know for sure

And can believe

Is this grace and mercy

I've Found

Down on my knees

Essay #11

2007-05-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

Everything inside me wants to flee and leave this destructive world in the past. I have a faith in something I cannot see, but I am overwhelmed by the journey of life: the consequences and happenstance of it all. I struggle with the ironies found in the with and the without, freedom and captivity, self-worth and God's worth, lies and truth, fastidiousness and relief of all responsibility, ugliness and beauty, joy and desperation, goals and apathy, my hurt and the hurt of countless others around me, reckless thoughts and precise intuition, peace and chaos, loyalty and shame, obedience and simplicity…

But how can I wallow in such utter seclusion when I look above the horizon of my navel and see the plain unhindered reality of this world. I look at the history of people who lived by faith no matter what. A faith that overthrew kingdoms, ruled with justice, received God's promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched flames of fire, escaped death by sword. In all of these circumstances WEAKNESS was turned to STRENGTH.

Then I see others who trusted in God, but were tortured, preferring to die rather than turn from God and receive their supposed "freedom". These people placed their hope in the resurrection to a better life. Some were mocked, and their backs were cut open with whips. Others were chained in dungeons. Some died by stoning, and some were sawed in half; others were killed with the sword. Hungry, oppressed, mistreated, they wandered over deserts and mountains, hiding in caves and holes in the ground.

And, all of these people received God's approval because of their faith. But you know what? None of them received all that God promised. What's up with that?

Faith is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we can't even see.

I pray that you would also have a real faith.

Running with an endurance that doesn't come from my will,

Ciao.

Your Pain Realized in Me

2007-04-21T20:07:00.000-05:00

April 2007: YOUR PAIN REALIZED IN ME

I cannot come close to empathizing with the magnitude of pain that envelopes you...but I can feel the cut and stabbing of your wounds ripping deeply into mine.

As you cower in your pain and hate, losing yourself in your world of chaotic retreat and exposed discomfort, I only wish I could remove it from you and make you completely whole again. I want desperately to consume and absorb it, to set you free to live the life you were called to life...to deliver you from this enigma of destruction...

Nothing thats beautiful hides it's face. Nothing thats honest hides it's name...

~C.S. Lewis

Now we see but a poor reflection, as in the mirror; then we shall see face to face...

~1 COR 13

Random Thoughts from Three Seasons in 2006

2007-01-01T20:03:00.002-06:00

When your best friend stabs you in the back, do you forgive him seven times seventy times and become best friends again?

"Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure…"? (Job 3:20)

My heart aches for the hurt of the ones I love. I also miss them terribly.

The eye is the lamp of the body…(Matt 6). It is also the window of the soul…

Does the penalty pay the debt?

My purpose: To do the will of the Father. Will I be sold out like Jesus?

When man is disconnected from God, the woman is disconnected from the man.

"Evil triumphs in the world when good men do nothing"- Edmund Burke. It says the same thing in James 4:17.

"Keep loving Jesus more than anything"- Jon Graham

God, I thank you for this current discomfort and disruption to my life. I deserve my consequences, and my hope is in you.

"You gotta listen to Hosea, and follow the @#$! Plumb line"- Inmate

ME defined: Who I am, not what I do.

The Apostle Paul knew: Suffering and pain are the truest ways, the only ways for some of us, to draw out that within which answers the purpose of it all.

ESSE QUAM VIDERI- TO BE, RATHER THAN APPEAR

Who can give a man this, his own name? God alone. For no one but God sees what this man is.—George MacDonald.