Monday, August 20, 2007

The more you know, the less you feel...

Mountain biking with blood brothers was exhilarating this afternoon. But now my arm is throbbing and begging for antihistamine or amputation after it hit some high growing stinging nettle. An incarcerated friend I correspond with has a better attitude about life than me. My soon to be classic mercedes is missing its mercedes decal because a German youth felt vandalistic (I created that word).

Is it true that the more you know, the less you feel?

King Saul was afraid of the people and did what they demanded. He didn't fear God. Do we do that? We are more afraid of what people think, than what God knows.

Sanctus Real sings a song that professes the realities of my own heart condition. I am thankful for those of you that have stood by me in this past year. You are literally God sent and life savers. I want you to know that, because of you. I'm OK. I'm being real with you. And I'm going to be OK.

But, I'm not alright…

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?             
If you want the truth, I need to confess   
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Till everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong

I cannot live behind a fa├žade of some character…

I can let go of the past.

But that does not relieve the pain.

Currently listening :
The Face of Love
By Sanctus Real
Release date: 04 April, 2006

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Disney Characters

I visited Disneyland in Paris this weekend. I helped my friend take his little girls to experience the old Magic Kingdom. I enjoyed showing his kids the glitter and glimmer of that fantastic place. But, man, it flooded back the memories of taking my own little girls on that same adventure six years ago. It was very difficult.

I could deal with 50 minute waits to ride on Dumbo the Flying Elephant. I survived It's a Small World (I can't get that song out of my head), but I must say that I least enjoyed the chaos of the masses that engulfed that place. It is in my character to enjoy nursing an espresso at outdoor cafes while people watching, but this was something different. It was mind-controlled madness. It was a cultural melting pot of people from all over the world determined to spend as much money as possible on worthless things. The food and language was definitely French, no matter how much they tried to Americanize every aspect of the park. The workers tended to be North Africans. The visitors were from everywhere. The thing that captured my attention the most was the abundance of apparent Muslims from Arabic, Persian, and Asian Islamic countries touring and enjoying themselves in this Iconic American Pageantry. Yes, and the women wore Minnie Mouse ears over their Hejabs and Burkas. For real. It was a stark contrast to the multitude of western women wearing barely anything at all. (see the photos and videos on this page for evidence). We live in a world that makes no sense.

But, all I truly perceived were lost people, trying to find joy and excitement in something that will never satisfy. I felt lost in a sea of faces. Truly, everyone in that place was playing a character. Not one person could be serious. I felt like I was living in a fantasy world (Yes there was a tinge of Rob humor mixed into that diatribe).

I would like to say that it is good to be back in reality, but it really isn't. I face judgment in three weeks. I don't enjoy that feeling. I have good friends and Jesus loves me. What else do I need? An adventure maybe? I feel like my life, this expedition to ascend my K2, or as Ken Gire writes, the North Face of God, has been called off because of bad weather.

"Isn't it Ironic?"
…sings Alanis Morrisette.